Ice cream sundaes.

Remember as a kid when the hardest decision was choosing whether to have chocolate or strawberry sauce on your ice cream? How times change. I don't know that i've ever been a contented person. Even as a child, I remember confusion and hurt being a part of who I was and it's only gotten more confusing and hurtful as I aged.

Everyday I discover there's more things about myself that I don't like. I'm on a slow self-destruct and if i'm not careful I know i'm going to implode. I had my therapy appointment last Monday, and if i'm honest, I really think I need psychiatric councel. I was warned that they would more than likely remedy the situation through drugs alone, but I know i'm not right. I feel like there's more than one of me round here and I don't like it. I'm doing and feeling things that aren't normal, but they won't go away. I can see the errors i'm making/thinking/feeling before I make them but can't stop them.

I wonder if I ran away, would anyone really notice? Would my children be happier?

Maybe one day i'll find the answers, I only hope I don't find them in the bottom of a bottle or somewhere more sinister!

A small glitch in time.

Tomorrow I have to go see what they call a wellbeing practitioner. It's kind of a therapy for people with depression. I'm going, i'm scared and nervous but I haven't told anyone. I've been teary all day because I know that at some point i'm going to have to come clean and tell someone all the things that really have turned me inside out to get me in such a mess. What I really want is for my boyfriend to just hold me and tell me everything's ok, but truth be told, he's part of the reason I feel so bad. It's not his fault as such. He's just being the only person he knows that won't fall apart at the seams. The only problem there is that the person he's being isn't always very nice. When he's my bear, he's the most wonderful person I know. He's kind, considerate, funnny, caring and so, so loving. When he's not my bear, he's someone else entirely.

Well, with a little luck, i'll get tomorrow out of the way, and i'll finally start to make headway with my problem. Fingers crossed!

The dog's life.

Ever look at your dog and see how good they have it? Do they really have all that many troubles? After all, they have someone to feed them, clean them, love them, and take good care of them when they're sick. 

Who has the dog's life really?